I was asked recently 'How do I do what I do?' I wasn't asked out of curiosity but more as a criticism. The story in brief: I found myself in a very heated argument with family, and being outnumbered, my defences were up. I matched my energy and volume to the person coming at me. I was angry. There is no doubt about that. I let fly left, right and centre. I pushed back as hard as I could. I showed a side of myself that will be criticised and judged for years to come. Gosh, is she always this angry!
If I can get this angry and this loud, I can't be a great mother. If I help others in difficult situations that are in opposition to the majority, I could not possibly be a good coach. It is natural to find it difficult to be neutral and zen-like, particularly if you have a strong opinion or you are deeply triggered. Am I angry like that all the time? Of course not. If my client triggered me, would I feel that degree of anger? No. This is why we don't coach family and friends if we can avoid it, because it is very difficult not to be drawn back into old constructs.
Asking me 'How do I do what I do' is the wrong question. How do I protect the well-being of the client and myself when I am triggered by their story is a better question.
That I am trained to do. I am able to leave my own personal story to one side and create space for the client. When our stories overlap, I intuitively help the client move forward. I breathe into these moments of shared history, and I embrace it. I journal afterwards to process what I may need to work on myself. I seek supervision. All the while, I am helping the client find a path that is true for them and supporting them on that journey.
A coach is human first and foremost. Don't forget that. There will be clients that you cannot work with. There will be coaches that clients can't work with. Know the difference. Truly be willing to know who you are as a person.
Now that I have dealt with that, what is my secret sauce as a life coach? What recipe do I follow? I feel blessed that I have a creative approach to conversations. I am always ready and willing to be inspired in the moment. This is a great freedom. I don't have to get anything across the line. There is no point in the conversation where I feel I should have done this by now, or I interject with pre-formed questions as a matter of routine.
I go with the flow. If that brings us down the road of breathing more deeply, creative writing exercises, metaphors, nature, anecdotes, or even cooking, then it happens organically. I find the people I work with inspiring, and I value that heartfelt connection I experience so readily with each of them.
Life is a messy dish, and all people really need is a little bit of time with a person who lets them relax and eat. Even when the pasta whips across our faces and leaves an embarrassing mess. It's all good. There is always a way. It's just about finding that chink of light, that path to freedom, that permission to have your feelings, that support for all parts of yourself.
Can I teach my recipes to other people? Yes and No. I would be more inclined to work with them to discover their own unique style. This empowers them to access their unique abilities any time they need them, their own secret sauce.
When I see a client connect with that part of themselves, it is a very emotional moment. A moment to acknowledge, witness and celebrate. It is my great privilege to space clear, and pathfind with another human being.
It is also good to know when your job is done here and move on. Trust in your client's innate ability to take it to the next level themselves. I am not the next level. That would be ridiculous. If I consider my view of the world the next level then I am misguiding my client. Part of the secret sauce is humility. I hope this has been insightful.
Aintherese x
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